One of the scariest, weirdest and most exciting parts of growing up is figuring out who you are. Kung hindi nyo pa naeexperience yung gantong phase sa buhay nyo, it's ok. Its normal. Some people questioned themselves at any specific time or maybe when there is a turn of events, I dont even sure if everyone experienced or will experience this phase.
I for example seen this 'knowing yourself' phase last year. Fresh na fresh! Haha!
Pero kidding aside, i thought those self help books are for losers. I mean why the hell people need to find their selves? Of all people, sarili mo dapat ang nakakakilala sayo. You dont need books, other people to tell you that. Pero as I experience it myself. It's different. It is a HUGE pain the ass just to find yourself.
Since my parents separated last year, I tried A LOT of stuff to achieve this. And when I say a lot, i mean a lot. Let me enumerate them for you.
1. I started travelling. With friends or with the boyfriend, and at some point with myself. Travelling means a lot to single people, specially of you are finding yourself. Chos! Nakita ko ang wonders ng travelling nung may mga naging friends ako na sobrang gala. Yung tipong on the day eh magdedecide na mag-Puerto Galera. Craaaaazy isn't? But it made me realize a lot of things during these times. Madaming realizations pag nasa harap ka ng mgandang beach, ng nature and those healthy conversations. At this point, it was crystal clear that I'm broken.. inside.
2. I started shutting down friends. Yes, bitch man pero I was unconsciously shutting them down, to a certain point that I am mean and sobrang salbahe. Hahaha! I dont know whats with my crazy hypothalamus and some parts of my brain, pero I started to feel a little bit paranoid. I dont know who to trust and I began hiding and keeping everything to myself, kahit sa jowa ko, dedma sa japan na ko. Usually i shut down old friends, but not all of them. On the long run, I started concluding to myself na siguro I was just trying to be independent in a way. Last year was not a very good year for me, so I'm starting to figure things out.. for myself. And having issues, trust or emotional, wouldn't help at all.
3. I decided to live and work out of the country. This by far is one of the craziest and biggest decision I made on my entire life. Iiwan mo everything and everyone just to figure life is. But so far, I have no regrets. :)
Nung dumating ako sa Dubai, I live with my Papa for almost 2 months. After that, I live on my own. It was hard nung una, I cried usually at nights and asking myself kung nahanap ko na ba ang sarili ko or kung ano man ang hinahanap ko. But knowing the stories of other Pinoys here.. I consider myself blessed. Andito ako kase para sa sarili ko.. well there are parts for my family. But them, andito sila kasi wala silang choice, kasi may binubuhay silang pamilya. They dont have these luxury of choosing things for themselves.
4. I push my career limits. As crazier as it sounds, my work here in Dubai is waaaaaaay more different in many ways with what I had back in Pinas. I'm working for almost a month, pero I had these thoughts na hindi ko na kaya, I need to quit right now or else. Pero I chose this, kailangan kong panindigan. I'm dealing with different nationalities everyday. You dont have the time to adjust or transitions for everyone. Americans are different, Europeans as well and Arabs as well. There's this one time na nareach ko na yung boiling point ko. As in I am ready to go back to the Philippines. Tumawag ako sa Papa ko and said my piece na naiiyak na boses but my dad said, 'Kaya mo yan. Ikaw pa.' and he cited examples of the events na pareho lang din but still I surpassed it.
There are so many ways we come to being who we are, so many ways in which we search for our true selves, so many varying circumstances around that search. There is nothing more terrifying but simultaneously thrilling about stepping forward in front of the pack, opening yourself to experience the world. I urge you to feel the wind behind your back and live life, be excited by all moments good and bad, beautiful and ugly, really understanding them for their worth to you and your life.
I know at the end of these, its the experience I will carry and treasure for the rest of my life, na proud akong makekwento ko sa mga anak ko.
Life isn't about Finding Yourself. Life is about CREATING Yourself.